Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Finals Stress... Conquered (Mostly)!

I can't say that I ever rocked finals (unless they were in French). I remember stressing about each and every final. I just didn't know if what I was feeling was right. I didn't know how to study or what to study. I didn't feel like asking for help from anyone either. I just didn't have the thought. Even if I ever did, I just couldn't imagine asking anyone for that... admitting that I needed someone else to coach me through it. After several semesters, I never got the hang of it. It just got worse and worse to a point where studying just made me feel so anxious. I never felt like I could ever get ahead. On top of all of that, I had the stress of working and trying to earn money to live off of campus.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I made a big mistake in working so much during my first undergrad. I wanted so much to be independent and not rely on my parents. I just felt guilty all the time. I mean, at first it wasn't so bad. I worked a few hours and had some savings. Then, I blew through that and had to ask for gas money and oil change money. Then, I started working more, even taking two part-time jobs in the summer. During the school year, I felt like I was even more poor despite scraping together money from my summer jobs. Nothing really seemed to make ends meet. I hated that feeling of now knowing how to pay my bills, about looming educational debt, and what in HELL I was going to do with my life. I just started putting work over my education, and my education definitely suffered.

I just didn't know where I was going and what I was going to do.

Now that I'm back in school, something has just clicked. I just feel so confident. I am doing really well, and I study a lot. I have a lot of motivation to stay up late and to work hard.

I have a lot of guilt, justified or not, for not doing well in my undergrad. I mean, I still graduated, but I don't feel proud of myself. I don't feel like I gave a good impression of myself to my professors. I felt like I just became jaded at some point. I didn't know what to do. I think I just balled up my anxiety, and I must have been depressed or something at some point. I just couldn't do anything. It was so bad it took me two hours to read one paragraph. Forget writing papers because I couldn't get past the introductory paragraph.

I just have so much time now (from not working) to study. I can still do some relaxing and enjoy myself a little and not feel guilty about it. I get all of my work done, if not in advance!

Going into finals this year, I just feel like I'm in a good place. I feel confident about having time to study. I feel good about what I've learned. I've even already been preparing for my finals by reading back in my textbooks and practicing old material we learned in the beginning of the semester. A lot of things are clicking for me. I just feel good. I feel anxiety about doing well, but it's not overbearing. I feel like I can get through it and that I will do well.

Something has changed. I don't know exactly what, but I'm so glad that I've overcome the stress of finals.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Ditching the baby stuff....

For several months now, I've been thinking about how I was raised versus how my husband was raised. They say that people with similar backgrounds usually end up coming together and getting married because they can compliment each other better than people with very different backgrounds. They also say that opposites attract. I think that the two of us are a great pair that complement each other. We have a lot of similar thoughts and convictions, but we also have very different ones, as well.

The greatest example of this is a simple matter of choice. I am pro-choice. My husband is pro-life. We talked before we were married about this issue and what we would do if the situation arose. We didn't really get that far in the conversation (aside from assuring each other that we'd be open and honest and not make any rash decisions without informing one another first).

Another of these is how we will discipline our children. I am for spanking, and he is against. I was raised getting spanked for all kinds of things but never for everything. I was talked to and given warnings. I had time-outs and was grounded from things. I'll admit: I was not an easy child to raise. My husband grew up in a family where there was no spanking because one of his parents was spanked often as a child. Instead, his family deals with things as passively as possible, never directly confronting anyone about anything. They were appeased and allowed to do what they pleased and never really got into heaps of trouble (like my sister and I often did). We both turned out fine, I think... I just notice that my parents were disciplined for the most part in raising my sister and I, and his parents took a very cautious approach in making sure he was happy and carefree most of the time.

No Asian guilt in his white, Midwestern family. (Not that I'm guilty of anything).

Let's fast forward to right now...

We recently spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family in Nebraska. We stayed at his parents' house and got to spend a lot of time with our nephew (he's 3). Over the course of getting to know the family, I have really bonded with the little guy. I've watched him slowly progress from being in diapers as a baby to speaking and playing as a toddler. He's already working on potty training! It's so neat to be able to watch him grow and learn and become more and more mature and capable. I really cherish the moments I get to spend with him and teach him things (mostly good things).

The biggest downside of visiting and seeing my nephew is the drama that surrounds him...

For a few months now, my brother and sister-in-law have been trying to get him to ditch his bink. I support it. I should be choosing sides, but I already did months ago, so it's a little late now. He's old enough to talk and understand what you're saying and what he's saying. He knows when he's being told he can't do something and when to stop doing it (whether he does so or not). The battle has two fronts: baby and grandma. Convincing the little tike to give up the bink is a difficult task in itself. However, if the bink disappears one day and he doesn't see it for a while, he'll learn to cope without it and probably not ask for it very often over time. For a short time, this was the case. He didn't ask for the pacifier and didn't need it to sleep. However, at some point he went to grandma's and had them again all of a sudden.

Despite most efforts, binks disappear to God-knows-where, and Grandma just keeps buying more. Every time he asks for one, he gets not one but TWO! If he throws a fit, he gets a pacifier. If he is cranky, he gets a pacifier. If he is sleepy and tired, he gets a pacifier. If he's a bit obstinate, he gets a pacifier.

Noticing a trend yet??

From my point of view, it's time to let go of the baby stuff. He's almost out of diapers. Kids in kindergarten do not have bottles or binks (this is another problem for another time). He already doesn't pronounce certain letters that are difficult. Imagine trying to get him to make them with a pacifier in his mouth! Letters like J and R fall short when you've got something taking up 2/3 of your mouth. I worry about this a little because my husband had trouble with his Rs when he was little and had to have someone coach him into pronouncing them correctly. He had a bottle and a pacifier until he was 5 or 6 according to his mother...

Again.... Noticing a trend??

Whatever the reason is: grandma not being able to handle standing up to a 3 year old and setting him straight or her worrying he'll start putting other things in his mouth if he doesn't have a pacifier, it's time for the pacifier to say bye-bye and never come back. It is causing too much anxiety and worry for Mom and Dad and is not necessarily all that beneficial to our growing nephew.

Some of my worries in thinking about having a child in the near future have been centered around what my parents might do that I might not approve of or want for our child. I worry about what his parents will do to my child. I worry that I'll raise my baby to not know what candy and soda is and to not care for pacifiers or fingers only to have grandparents thwart all of our work and progress every time they visit.

Closing thought for the day: Let Mom and Dad be the parents and take a back seat, Grandparents. It's not your place.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Thinking about babies...

I have noticed a trend in my life... concerning television and babies. I know! I know... It's a strange topic for a barely 24 year old woman who just got married. I suppose I should explain the television part before you get confused!

I watch a variety of shows when I have time. Thank, God, for DVR, right? (I do every day). Here's a list of shows I have seen recently that featured a story line related to having, raising and protecting children:

  • Grey's Anatomy
  • Private Practice
  • Giuliana & Bill
  • The Little Couple
  • The Millionaire Matchmaker
  • House
  • Up All Night
  • Harry's Law
  • The Secret Circle
  • Hoarders
The list is much longer, but this is about all I can remember at the moment. It's a lot all at once. Couple this will the number of friends I have who have or will be having children. It makes me want to start my own family while I'm young!

Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and Giuliana & Bill all have shown scenes where a woman has waited too long to try to conceive and/or they are incapable of having children because of fertility. While the trend for my generation is to get married later and have children even later than that, I feel that this is the reason why we hear so many stories about infertility. Many women wait way past their ripe child-bearing years to even begin to think about children.

To be perfectly honest, I never thought I'd ever have children. The thought repulsed me in some ways. I think a lot of this had to do with the people I dated and spent time with. I never felt like having a baby would be a secure or logical thing to proceed to with those people. I had one serious boyfriend that hated the thought of children. Because I loved him so much and wasn't too attached to the idea, I abandoned it and told myself that children would never happen for me. It just wasn't in my life plan. 

Now that I have moved on from that man and found my wonderful husband, all I do is think about making a family with him. I so enjoy his company and our time to be a couple. I can't help but want to see the little faces we'll have greeting us every day. Everyone says that marriage is that last step...

It's not.

Marriage is almost like the first step. After that first step, we have to constantly work at respecting each other and treating one another as if it were the very last moments we were going to have together. We're grown a lot together since we moved in together and more still since we've been married. The next step is to have children. It starts with just one (or more if we're lucky). It's a lifetime commitment to share our lives with a new person that we're able to bring into the world.

I want to take the step before there are complications with age or infertility. I want to get myself healthy and strong so that I can give myself a better chance of a good pregnancy.

I think, maybe sometime in my future, I'll be having a baby. It's not today and definitely not in 9 months. I cannot wait until the moment comes, though.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Stimulating the Economy with parking meters?!


I have lived in Denver for about two years now. After starting this school year heading downtown for classes, I have used public transportation, carpools and my own car. The biggest contributor to the diminishing balance in my checking account has been parking.

I have over 6 hours of class in the afternoon and evenings Monday through Friday. I usually park in one of the campus garages. I usually pay $7.60 to $8.00 for the day depending on when I get my car out of the garage. I have been contemplating parking at a meter but the limit is two hours and I wouldn't always have time to move my car or re-feed the meters.

A friend of mine parks at the meter all of the time because she only has to park for two to three hours tops.

In the parking garage, I pay more money to park all day with no threat of tickets. She parks at the meter to spend less and hope she doesn't run out of time and get a ticket.

Let's take a second to think about the parking meters. The majority of meters are now cash or credit. You can add change or swipe your card to add time. If someone has left time on the meter, you can only pay up to 2 hours of time. If not, you could pay some extra time over 2 hours within reason. When we pay, we sometimes see that credit cards allow only 2 hours and change allows a few minutes over.

Back to the economic stimulation... Wouldn't it be prudent to program the meters to allow you to park as long as you want given you swiped your card?? It would just continuously charge you to park there, like at a garage. The way I see it, it would be an incentive to be able to park for more time with your credit card instead of worrying about making it back to your car and getting a ticket. I would be more inclined to spend more time downtown shopping and eating if I knew I had more time and little threat of getting a fine for not being back at the meter in time. Let's not forget the money I would spend on gas and car maintenance for driving more when going downtown versus taking the city bus.

Simple conveniences like this won't reset our economy, but they do encourage local spending.

Does anyone else have thoughts on this or other minor inconveniences that would make you more inclined to stimulate the economy?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Kim Kardashian's Marriage a Sham? Or a human mistake?

I, like many others, have been long time Kardashian fans since the beginning of their show on E!, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Since then, they have sprouted several shows and appearances, seeing huge career boosts... every person in the family included. All this from one starter season and the success of their clothing stores.

While the the Kardashians are known for getting into trouble with each other and causing one another heartache over virtually nothing, I have always thought that they reminded me of a regular family. The money plays a part, but in essense, they are like any other American family struggling to raise teenagers, to be better people. They each suffer low self-esteem, pressures from each other and the world, body issues, peer pressure... You name it! For this, I have been really thankful. It makes me feel sane sometimes to see people without the mundane worries about paying rent and getting an hourly wage have the same problems that I have personally and socially.

Recently, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries married with a lavish ceremony, the experience taped for viewers. What Kim and Kris went through doesn't surprise me. My husband and I had similar arguments and problems planning our own wedding. We also didn't have the media attention that Kim and Kris do.

The one thing my husband and I had over Kim and Kris is time spent building a firm foundation for our relationship. We still work through day-to-day problems that arise, but we work hard at making each other feel good about ourselves personally and together. While Kris seems like a fairly grounded and mature man, he acted quite immaturely at times with Kim concerning the wedding. I saw warning signs in the show when the family went on their trip to Tahiti. The producers of the show ultimately decide how people are spun. They can make them each look mean or innocent based on cuts and background music. They can stage events if they need to and re-shoot them. I think Kim and Kris were pretty accurately portrayed, though. You can't change your personality and reactions, especially when we know Kim and Kris aren't seasoned, award-winning actors.

At first, I was a little upset for no real reason because they entered in a huge production of a wedding to join together their families and then file divorce after 70 odd days "together." This means there was little to no commitment to the marriage. If you marry someone and divorce them after less than a year, it's obvious you didn't spend much time really getting to know and appreciate each other. In reality, they may have spent the better part of a year dating and being engaged, but they hadn't spent real time together. They probably saw each other for a few hours to a few days separated by a week or so. When I dated my husband, we saw each other or talked every single day. When we were studying abroad, we video chatted and spoke on the phone several times a day. We made every effort to be committed and honest with each other from the very beginning. I think this is what makes us appreciate each other so much: honesty and trust.

None of us were there. None of us knew the relationship they had, even if it WAS portrayed on TV. I think that although Kim and Kris are done, they are a reflection of our society. They really do portray how we view marriage and commitment. JLo has been marrying and divorcing in short spurts for years and no one has ever blamed her for killing the sanctity of marriage. I think people should lay off Kim and Kris. While statements say that Kris had no idea about the divorce, we can never really know. There are things that happen in private between two people in a relationship that no one sees or knows about.

I think it's time for the world to really evaluate their own relationships. Don't blame someone else for cheapening marriage when we all contribute in a way. We tell our friends to just leave him because it has been too long. We don't support them in the fight for their marriage. We encourage people to be happy for themselves without encouraging them to fight for the happiness in their marriage. I'm not saying that "irreconcilable differences" don't exist. I'm simply saying that we all really encourage an individual's happiness over the happiness of the other person involved. It's a relationship, not a business agreement.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Biggest Mistakes I Made During Undergrad

Almost six years ago, I started my undergraduate experience at Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota. There is not one experience I would change because I think it all ultimately led to meeting and marrying my husband. The bonfires, weekend parties at Hannan's house, hair dying parties, drama, choir tours, and the late nights with friends were all worth it. I had such a great experience that the only thing I regret is not doing more and not spending more time with my friends my senior year.

Now that I have graduated and am working on my second bachelor's degree, I have started to see the mistakes I made with my learning and the false assumptions I made.

1. Professors don't care if I succeed or fail (but they'd rather I do well). I used to have a lot of anxiety about missing a class or turning something in unfinished when I had no reason to be. The pressures I felt were all self-induced and largely unwarranted.

2. Education is every bit what you put into it. I have always known this, but why I lacked before was trust and faith in myself that I could do well and be successful, that I could do well and didn't have to worry about being the best or the brightest (even though that would be a nice bonus).

3. Socialization is an important aspect of the undergraduate experience but it shouldn't outweigh the real reason the undergraduate experience exists: EDUCATION. I spent a lot of time being worried about spending too little time with close friends or about the week's drama surrounding my friends. I realized how socially sensitive I was and how it really took away from my academic focus. I started to care less about school and more about the relationships in my life.

I hope that anyone starting their undergrad experience takes note. It's supposed to be a new experience that is both fun and exciting. Don't get caught up in the experience, though. It's about your future and your education.