The worst is over.

The Lord Almighty grant us a quiet night and peace at the last. It is good to give thanks to the Lord. To sing Praise to Your name oh most high.To herald your love in the morning, your truth at the close of the day.
--Compline


I think that we too often forget the other person when we make posts online. Most of the time, we don't take things to heart. I've learned in the past few hours that some people really take things to heart, straight into the depths of their soul.

Jaleel John-Baptiste passed away around 3 pm today according to my family, all of whom were present. I had my phone off because I was taking a chemistry lecture final. Earlier in the day, around noon, my sister called me and said that he would probably pass in the next few hours and that I could say goodbye if I wanted. So, she took the phone into the room and sat it next to his ear. I really didn't know what to say except that I loved him and missed him, and I told him I was glad that he wasn't suffering or in any pain.


After I was done with that first final, I saw a call from my mom. My sister answered and told me that he passed at 3pm. It was hard for me to keep it together, but I knew I had one final left and that I had to pull through. This was until I received a very nasty message on Facebook from one of Jaleel's friends. It was incredibly hateful, and it sent me into a fit of crying. I didn't know whether to answer him and defend myself or to just cry and forget about it. I copied and sent it to my sister, who read it to my mother. (Note: Do not upset my Korean mother. She will most likely kill you.) It has all be taken care of, and the kid apologized. My sister called and got it all straightened out (after telling everyone that didn't necessarily need to know).


To be honest, I didn't want an apology. I knew he was just upset. He needed someone to lash out on, and I can accept that. I can be the person they want to blame for whatever reason even though I had nothing to do with any of it aside from praying for my friend.


The other hateful words said about me were also taken down, and I unfriended the kid (he had friended me just to send the hate message).


As I called my parents to let them know I did well on my finals, the phone was passed to every person at the house in the room, comforting me and giving ME condolences like Jaleel was my blood, like I needed it more than they did. His grandparents said that they were making sure I wasn't getting hurt or battered for anything I said and that the kid understood that it wasn't right to lash out and say the things he said to me when I had just found out that my friend has passed.


These kids posting and saying that I'm a bitch or mentally retarded, that I don't have the right, that I should take my photos of him down... They don't see it the way I do. They don't understand how I feel or my relationship with him. They don't know and they don't care. It doesn't even matter. 


If i have to be a martyr for those kids, fine. I will be. They can send me all the hate and anger they feel. They can send me nasty glares at the funeral. I don't really care. 


We all deal with things differently, and if they need someone to hate for a while, it may as well be me.


It isn't right, but there isn't much I can do to make it stop or change their minds. They have to do it for themselves on their own time.


After a while when the dust settles, I think that they'll all learn a lesson from Jaleel. I bet that they will each think twice about speeding, about not wearing a seat belt. They'll think twice about a lot of decisions they will have to make, and they'll be all the better for it.


This has been a huge affirmation to me that I should never think twice about wearing that seat belt, even if I'm only driving down the block or just moving my car into another spot. It has even made me think twice about getting angry at slow drivers and those cars that think the whole road is theirs and that everyone has to yield to them.


My hope and wish is that everyone wears a seat belt every time they get into a car.


RIP Jaleel John-Baptiste

Ditching the baby stuff....

For several months now, I've been thinking about how I was raised versus how my husband was raised. They say that people with similar backgrounds usually end up coming together and getting married because they can compliment each other better than people with very different backgrounds. They also say that opposites attract. I think that the two of us are a great pair that complement each other. We have a lot of similar thoughts and convictions, but we also have very different ones, as well.

The greatest example of this is a simple matter of choice. I am pro-choice. My husband is pro-life. We talked before we were married about this issue and what we would do if the situation arose. We didn't really get that far in the conversation (aside from assuring each other that we'd be open and honest and not make any rash decisions without informing one another first).

Another of these is how we will discipline our children. I am for spanking, and he is against. I was raised getting spanked for all kinds of things but never for everything. I was talked to and given warnings. I had time-outs and was grounded from things. I'll admit: I was not an easy child to raise. My husband grew up in a family where there was no spanking because one of his parents was spanked often as a child. Instead, his family deals with things as passively as possible, never directly confronting anyone about anything. They were appeased and allowed to do what they pleased and never really got into heaps of trouble (like my sister and I often did). We both turned out fine, I think... I just notice that my parents were disciplined for the most part in raising my sister and I, and his parents took a very cautious approach in making sure he was happy and carefree most of the time.

No Asian guilt in his white, Midwestern family. (Not that I'm guilty of anything).

Let's fast forward to right now...

We recently spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family in Nebraska. We stayed at his parents' house and got to spend a lot of time with our nephew (he's 3). Over the course of getting to know the family, I have really bonded with the little guy. I've watched him slowly progress from being in diapers as a baby to speaking and playing as a toddler. He's already working on potty training! It's so neat to be able to watch him grow and learn and become more and more mature and capable. I really cherish the moments I get to spend with him and teach him things (mostly good things).

The biggest downside of visiting and seeing my nephew is the drama that surrounds him...

For a few months now, my brother and sister-in-law have been trying to get him to ditch his bink. I support it. I should be choosing sides, but I already did months ago, so it's a little late now. He's old enough to talk and understand what you're saying and what he's saying. He knows when he's being told he can't do something and when to stop doing it (whether he does so or not). The battle has two fronts: baby and grandma. Convincing the little tike to give up the bink is a difficult task in itself. However, if the bink disappears one day and he doesn't see it for a while, he'll learn to cope without it and probably not ask for it very often over time. For a short time, this was the case. He didn't ask for the pacifier and didn't need it to sleep. However, at some point he went to grandma's and had them again all of a sudden.

Despite most efforts, binks disappear to God-knows-where, and Grandma just keeps buying more. Every time he asks for one, he gets not one but TWO! If he throws a fit, he gets a pacifier. If he is cranky, he gets a pacifier. If he is sleepy and tired, he gets a pacifier. If he's a bit obstinate, he gets a pacifier.

Noticing a trend yet??

From my point of view, it's time to let go of the baby stuff. He's almost out of diapers. Kids in kindergarten do not have bottles or binks (this is another problem for another time). He already doesn't pronounce certain letters that are difficult. Imagine trying to get him to make them with a pacifier in his mouth! Letters like J and R fall short when you've got something taking up 2/3 of your mouth. I worry about this a little because my husband had trouble with his Rs when he was little and had to have someone coach him into pronouncing them correctly. He had a bottle and a pacifier until he was 5 or 6 according to his mother...

Again.... Noticing a trend??

Whatever the reason is: grandma not being able to handle standing up to a 3 year old and setting him straight or her worrying he'll start putting other things in his mouth if he doesn't have a pacifier, it's time for the pacifier to say bye-bye and never come back. It is causing too much anxiety and worry for Mom and Dad and is not necessarily all that beneficial to our growing nephew.

Some of my worries in thinking about having a child in the near future have been centered around what my parents might do that I might not approve of or want for our child. I worry about what his parents will do to my child. I worry that I'll raise my baby to not know what candy and soda is and to not care for pacifiers or fingers only to have grandparents thwart all of our work and progress every time they visit.

Closing thought for the day: Let Mom and Dad be the parents and take a back seat, Grandparents. It's not your place.