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It's never one thing...

Since January, my husband and I have been losing weight and eating more healthy. We've gotten of the wagon a little but we've found our way back in the last few weeks. The biggest part of this was learning a few things about our health... More particularly, my health. I was told today that I am showing insulin resistance and hypothyroidism.

Insuline resistance is a pre-diabetic condition that is reversible with weight loss and diet management. We're already making steps to correct this issue, so I'm not too worried about this. According to my doctor, losing more weight and getting in a more healthy range could bring back my periods and give me better chances at conceiving a child within the next two years.

The hypothyroidism is a much bigger issue... in a sense. Because my thyroid hormone levels are so low it could be the cause of my missed periods. To prevent this problem, I'm being put on a thyroid medication to help increase my thyroid levels and hopefully get my metabolism back on track. We are thinking that I have probably had low thyroid levels for years. This could be true given the steady decrease in regularity in my periods since high school and my ever-decreasing metabolism. It also would explain my heavy weight gain.

All in all it comes down to two things: losing weight and eating right. Oh wait... I guess it also comes down to me taking a pill for the rest of my life.... Like my father, I don't want to be chained to the pharmacy and doctor's office for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I will be. It won't even matter if I lose weight or eat right. I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

Things I'm thankful or?? Well, despite all of the "bad" news, I'm happy that we caught my insulin resistance before I found out I was diabetic. It gives me a chance to turn it around and not be diabetic at any point in my life. It also saves me from a lot of potential complications, in terms of my thyroid, with cancer and infertility. While I might still have some trouble conceiving naturally, I know that it is possible for me to conceive with treatment. This is two years down the road, so I'm not worried about that chapter of life yet.

It's time now to just get healthy and stay healthy.

I'll be updating more in the future on my summer reading assignments from the OB/GYN that caught my hypothyroidism and insulin resistance: South Beach Diet and The Zone.

Being healthy is one thing. Staying healthy is another. Thanks for all of your support.

Microscopic Hematuria: Fast Friends

I'm all about full disclosure after a period of time. There are certain things we should keep quiet, but I needed an outlet this time.

My doctor has tested my urine positive for blood for two months in a row. We aren't sure why it is there or what is causing it. I'm not working out as much as I used to. I don't have any weird pain or discomfort. I'm not sick, don't have a fever, and don't feel nauseous. 

My doctors said to go ahead and see an OB/GYN for a consultation and to see what else might cause the problem.

The reason we're a bit worried is because there are no major signs of trauma or anything to indicate a disease. The biggest reason to get checked out and watch this problem is the link between trace amounts of blood in urine and cancer. To my knowledge, no one in my family has/had cancer. I feel safe in that regard.

That doesn't mean I couldn't have cancer for some reason.

I've been reading up on the condition of having blood in your urine, hematuria. There are a variety of reasons listed by the Mayo Clinic and WebMD for hematuria.

I'll keep everyone posted. As of now, I'm just waiting for my first appointment with an OB/GYN. I just want to keep healthy and safe so that I'm not surprised and overwhelmed when we start to seriously think about having children.

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A Beauty Overhaul

I have never been known to score 100% in the "taking care of self" category in life. I can put off showers for a few days, wear my jeans multiple times before throwing them in the laundry basket, forget to brush my teeth until I need to be out of the house and in public... The list goes on and on (just ask my husband).

Since meeting my husband, I went through a phase of showering and being stylish and cute all the time (dating phase), sloppy outfits (got him for good), and sensible style that is functional (present). Over the years, I have noticed one thing that upsets me a little: My husband takes better care of himself than I do myself. He gives himself pedicures, goes for regular massages, is always trying new shampoos and lotions, etc. He is always making sure he looks great and feels great. I love that about him. Because I love that about him, it's starting to rub off on me.

While I love being in jeans and a t-shirt, I realize that this isn't always attractive or sexy. I have always wanted to make sure that I am attractive and sexy for my husband as much as I want to feel that way for myself. This has led me to search for comfortable and fun clothing. I mean everything from jeans, shirts, and dresses to bras and underwear. I never used to buy colorful bras, just the standard nude, white and black. Now, I don't think I reach for a bra unless it has a fun color or pattern on it. I've also developed a love for Eddie Bauer. The clothes are just so comfortable. They are also just my style. It's adult clothing with some fun added in. Changing your clothing is only half the battle, though. The real struggle is skincare.

I have struggled most of my adult life with acne. I've had a ton of small bumps to no bumps and some huge pimples. I know that I haven't had anywhere near the trouble as other people, but it still has been hard for me to deal with. I have always wanted clear skin. While I haven't always worked toward having clear skin, I am trying a lot harder now to achieve it. I started getting facials once every month or so. I also follow a more strict daily regimen of washing, toning and moisturizing. To combat my oily skin, I also do facial masks. I alternate between peel-off and clay masks. I have had great results with both, and I recommend them to anyone interested! I'm going to review some of the products I use in following posts so you, too, can try what I'm trying.

Another great discovery I just made on a whim is Bare Minerals! I grew up seeing the commercials and infomercials. Upon moving to Denver, I even saw stores! The other day, I was in the mall and stopped at Sephora to buy a gift for my sister. Before heading to the register, I noticed the bare minerals display and asked if I could try it. One of the artists, Jose, helped me with how to apply it and what is best for my skin. I learned about facial primers that help set the makeup to the skin. It worked wonders for me! I have tried hundreds of foundations and creams and powders, but NONE OF THEM has kept the oil in my t-zone so under control. If you are skeptical, just go and try it out. It is phenomenal and very easy to do. I was so amazed at the subtle transformation of my skin.

There are a great deal of other things I have been trying to do keep myself feeling great, which I will end up posting on in the future. For now, be looking out for more updates on my Weight Watchers adventure and on the products that have been life-savers for me. Until then, God bless!

Weight Watchers: Week Eight - Switching to Simply Filling

I didn't post last week as we had just gotten home from a 3-Night Bahamian Cruise on the Disney Dream. Needless to say, I didn't track points. I also didn't really watch what I was eating or drinking. Suffice it to say I took a break for 5 days. I realized after thinking back on what I had been eating, that I was really following the Simply Filling plan. I had a lot of salads, eggs, and power foods on the list. This is probably why I maintained weight after vacation. Jake gained a few pounds back but not anything cringe-worthy.

Simply Filling is pretty easy to follow once you have an idea of what is included on the power foods list. Don't track foods that are on the list (or have a green triangle next to them in the tracker). The idea is to eat only to make you feel satisfied and not full. For me, it means eating skinnier meals and snacks throughout the day versus worrying about getting in 3 square meals.

We'll see how this goes. I'm at 202.0 lbs. right now. Hoping to lose another ten in the next two months.

Weight Watchers: Week Six - Weigh In

Last week I lost nearly 2 lbs. I think this had a lot to do with not worrying about eating all my points. It was jut about eating and tracking. I've also noticed a lot I change in my choices of what constitutes a meal.

I had a spicy, marinated, skinless chicken thigh with green beans. That was just 3 points. I avoided making rice or pasta and adding those carbs in when I would most likely be eating as much rice or pasta as I could versus veggies.

I've learned that not every meal needs a starch. This has really changed my eating. I look for combinations of foods that would satisfy me without assuming that I need to make rice or pasta. I start with protein and add in veggies. If I need more after all that, I consider noodles over rice because I can gauge portions for noodles much better than I can with rice.

It has also led to me discovering new foods, like Indian! We ordered chicken vindaloo and lamb curry. Delicious! Stay away from lamb, though. It's almost as bad as beef for points.

A huge triumph for me was having valentines lunch with my husband and ordering a 6 oz. steak instead of a 12 oz. I also ordered a sirloin instead of ribeye. I saved the Texas rice for another day and only ate half of my mashed potatoes. It was delicious and filling, and I wasn't craving more afterwards. That's a huge triumph for me!!

Throughout college, I was always hungry. Between stress and just needing to eat at all, I would go out to eat and order a pizza hours later. I was constantly snacking. By snacking, I really mean "mealing." A snack was ramen or rice and a hotdog. Now, I'm snacking on popcorn or smoothies. I even eat a bunch of fruit.

It's really rewarding to be losing the weight. I can't wait to be in jeans I haven't been able to wear comfortably in a while. I can't wait to look at my body in the mirror and feel like I don't have to hide anything. I want the image of myself in the mirror I match the one in my mind.

1.6 lbs. lost last week. Can't wait for more.

Weight Watchers: Week Five: Weigh In

Here we are again! Unfortunately, I've been slightly ill and stressed over the last week. This meant that I was eating a lot more to keep myself hydrated and feeling well. I gained some weight as a result: 203.4 lbs.

A minor loss. I've realized that not having fruits on hand has really made it hard to stick to eating right. Despite being a lot better at portion sizing, I still chose some foods that I should have left alone (like ramen). 

On top of that, I was recently diagnoses with a urinary tract infection. May be too much information, but it has drastically changed my diet in the last week. I'm on meds to clear it up, but it made my energy level last week very low. I'm hoping to see it bounce right back up in the next few days. My doctor and I are hoping that this clears up a lot of the digestive issues I have been having, meaning I'm not lactose intolerant or allergic to gluten. We had quite the debate on whether or not rice had gluten in it (it doesn't). That will show him for suggesting that rice might be killing me slowly from the inside out. Haha...

Anyway, more updates very soon on Weight Watchers, the UTI, and on playing with my new camera!

If you didn't know, I recently purchased a Nikon D5100. I have been getting pretty good at it. I just purchased and received my copy of Photoshop Elements 5.0. I'll be sure to post about my new photography adventures in the coming weeks (culminating in a trip to the Bahamas aboard the Disney Dream with my husband and his parents). I'll be sure to take so many photos that I'll have to buy new memory cards on the ship.

Until then, keep losing weight and stay healthy!

Weight Watchers: Week Four - Weight In

Jake and I have been particularly naughty the last two weeks by eating all of our points and then some almost every day. Still, I lost about a pound and am now at 202.0 lbs. This fluctuated a ton during the week. I was weighing in at 199.0 lbs. on Wednesday. There is some truth in weighing yourself once a week. It makes the official weigh-ins less aggravating. Still, it's a pound of loss that brings me closer to my goal. My 10% goal is around 189 lbs. I hope to be there by a friend's wedding in June. That hopefully means I can buy a new dress and be back in some of my older jeans from college.

I will keep reporting back.

I would write more today, but I've got a test in Bio II. It's more important than blogging since I missed a day for being sick last week. Enjoy and let's keep losing!

Weight Watchers: Week Three - Weigh In

Well, I lost 0.2 lbs.

I think the biggest reason I didn't lose as much weight was that I had several meals with steak and bacon. The first week, I lost nearly 3 lbs. from eating very little over my daily limit and eating healthy most of the time. The second week is the hardest. Trust me. We even rounded out the week with pizza and wings from Papa John's because I did a lot of walking and working out. I still find this a success, however. I've lost more weight in two weeks than I did over all of last year. This is success in my book, a huge success.

If you didn't know, they count weight loss as anything over 0.2 lbs. in a week because weight loss is variable. You eat more some weeks than you do others for various reasons. Also, what you eat factors into that, too. If you use all of your points to eat carbs and don't work out, it will affect you more than using all of your points on healthy meals with more veggies and fruit.

I'll take the 0.2 lbs.

As I mentioned from the beginning of this journey, I am losing weight for a variety of reasons. Aside from fitting into old clothes and being able to feel less self-conscious buying clothes from my favorite stores, I'm preparing myself to have some children with less risk. It seems odd to some that I would be losing weight to have a baby, where I will most likely gain a portion of it back. It's just a choice I have made to prepare the best possible environment for our baby to grow. It's no different than child-proofing a house or interviewing babysitters. If I'm healthy, my baby has a great chance of being healthy, as well.

Anyway, here's to the next week of weight loss. Some of my friends have already begun to join me. Don't forget to check out Weight Watchers if weight loss is on your list.

Weight Watchers: Week Two - Surprise Foods to Enjoy

There is always something new to learn when on Weight Watchers. I realize that I have only been doing this for two weeks now. I have been so surprised as I go through my refrigerator and cupboards! Some of the foods that I have been told to avoid are actually not all that bad for me, even better than some foods I was told are "healthier" (if I don't eat the whole pan of it, of course). Here's my short list:

1. Bacon: While eating gobs of greasy, thick-cut bacon isn't going to help your arteries or your blood pressure, bacon (in moderation) is not a point succubus. Tonight for dinner, I had 4 slices of bacon cut up over leftover pesto. Add in some veggies or fruit and you've got a delicious meal for less than 10 pts.
2. Vienna Sausage: I grew up on this stuff. It was a way for my mom to feed my sister and I some protein on road trips (of which there were very many). Just to tickle my interest, I used the barcode scanner app for iPhone to see how many points consuming a whole can would be: 6 pts. That means that I can eat the whole can with rice for 13 pts. or less (depending on how much rice I give myself). This may not be a delectable meal for most people, but it's one of my guilty pleasures. Learning that I can indulge that pleasure without breaking the bank really made me happy.
3. Progresso Soups: I already wrote about this joy a few days ago.
4. Pasta: I fell in love with pasta in college because I had a huge lacking in the rice department. One of my favorite sauces is pesto. What I have found while grocery shopping is that spinach-based and artichoke flour noodles are considerably less points that the semolina wheat noodles are. You simply have to scan the package with your mobile phone app, punch it into a calculator or check the box. The brand we love is De Boles. They make every type of pasta, even the mini kinds like piccollini, in organic and gluten-free forms. It's also pretty cheap compared to other brands. Just check for sales.
5. American cheese: I was thinking about what to do for a late breakfast the other day and wondered if an omelette with cheese would cost me big time. I found that it really doesn't. One slice of non-fat American cheese is 0 pts. You read right. My husband and I often make one egg omelettes with onion and a slice of cheese (you can throw in leftover steak or chicken in with it, too). Jake also throws salsa on top of his (which brings me to my next food).
6. Salsa: I thought for sure that a chip dip of any kind would be bad. However, salsa yields 0 pts. in most cases. We choose to buy Newman's Own salsas because they are veggie-packed and delicious. We haven't found one that we don't like yet.

That's the short list. I hope I've provided you with some valuable knowledge and the ingredients for quick and lazy meals. I weigh in tomorrow. I'm also hoping to get in some measurements. Jake and I have gone down a hole in our belt loops. Happy news! Another short post later to see if I've made progress.

Weight Watchers: Week Two - Weighing In

I know I posted yesterday already, but I had to post again due to my exciting weigh in today (I weigh in on the 2nd day of the week of my plan). Anyway, I can fully attest that over the first week of tracking points using PointsPlus with Weight Watchers Online I have lost 3.2 lbs. This is a little more weight loss than I'm needing to have over a week of tracking and exercising, but I'm not going to complain.

This first week has been brutal. I haven't noticed a lot of changes in my appetite aside from the occasional hunger pains from not eating a healthy, filling meal. The one thing I have noticed is that tracking points makes me honest about what I eat during the day. It makes me 100% consider the foods I'm choosing to snack on and what portions those snacks are. I'm more inclined to fill my plate with green beans instead of piling the rice high or going for seconds.

I'm posting today because I barely exercised aside from daily chores at home and walking around campus. I lost those 3 lbs. by simply making better choices and not overindulging on carbs and sugar. This is where I'll tell you an interesting story.

Last year, when I moved back to Colorado from North Dakota (undergrad years), I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I worked with the first personal trainer for months and didn't lose any weight at all. I did get a lot of my strength and stamina back, though. I switched trainers and got much better workouts after a few months, but I still wasn't losing any weight. I was still getting stronger and stronger, but I still hadn't lost any weight. In fact, I was just maintaining. I fluctuated by a few pounds here and there, but I was still just maintaining weight.

It's such a tell-all when I lose 3lbs. by eating and not by exercising. It's a relief when I eat a healthy meal around 8 or 9 pts. and don't have that "so full I'll burst if you touch me" feeling. This really shows me the power of what I put into my body and how exercising on top of eating right will really help me lose weight and get back in shape.

Another plus? My husband and I have both noticed that we don't burp as often or feel like we have heart burn. We don't ever say that we're starving or that there is nothing to eat. We eat good meals (most of the time) and choose healthy, 0 pt. snacks (like fruits).

With everything that I have posted about since I started this blog (loss, yielding to pedestrians, Kim Kardashian's failed marriage, Rick Perry's flaws, etc.), losing weight with Weight Watchers Online has been the most significant. I honestly did not believe that I would lose weight the first week. I didn't think that I would ever have seen such a difference in my eating habits with another diet plan.

If you're still on the fence after my first week, please stick around for the following weeks or join now. I know that I will continue to lose weight. There may be a few weeks where I gain weight after starting to work out more seriously. I have to win this fight to lose 80 lbs. 75 lbs., and I definitely will with Weight Watchers.

If you want to fight with us, please find us (synformis and anguisinherba) on Weight Watchers and we'll support each other.

Weight Watchers: Week Two - Saint Progresso Light

After a shopping trip and a week tracking points, we've learned a lot. For one, there aren't a lot of Weight Watchers brand foods in our area. We tried Wal-mart and King Sooper's. We did find the SmartOnes brand, but not much of the actual Weight Watchers name brand foods. I have decided (in aid of those who are skeptical of trying some of the frozen entrees) that I am going to start posting period blogs on the different choices individually. So far, I've only had the Satisfying Selections Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry. It was okay but not what I'd want to eat for a dinner meal (too much sweet sauce and had a weird after-taste).

Anyway, the shopping trip was successful. Jake bought quite a few different things from SmartOnes (anytime appetizers, satisfying selections and bistro selections). He's enjoyed all of them so far. The upside, he can eat one of them for dinner + fruit and be satisfied almost all night. The test was whether he woke up with hunger pains in the middle of the night. He did once, but he ate some cuties. He's doing a great job curbing his cravings. I have tried and almost failed a lot this week (something I like to call the great Jose O'Shea's debacle of 2012). Also making it into our shopping cart were several cans of Progresso Light soups.

The reason Progresso soups made it into our basket was because of the endorsement from Weight Watchers. A can of Light Chicken Noodle soup has two servings. Each serving is 2 points. If you eat the whole can, it's 4 points. If you add saltines to your soup, you can add about 5 or 6 points for several crackers. That's a 10 point meal in a can or less. Most of the time, the soup fills me up for hours and I don't even eat 2 whole servings. That's a great deal considering larger portions for fewer points makes a huge difference in how hungry you are hours later. With over 30 different soups to try in traditional, light, reduced sodium and high fiber versions, you'll find several to keep on hand.

If you're into the regular soups, don't worry. One of my favorite flavors is Rich & Hearty Creamy Roasted Chicken Wild Rice. 1 serving is 4 points. I can only eat about 3/4 the can before I'm full, so I end up with 6 points and a leftover 1/2 serving for lunch the next day. For my friends who read this, you all know my obsession with rice. This brand really hits the spot for me, and I don't even have to open my rice pot for more.

Tracking points with me? Don't forget to stock the pantry with Progresso soup.

Weight Watchers: Week One - Days 3 & 4

So by some virtue, my home scale says I only weight 206.1 lbs. The scale at the spa at Saratoga Springs Resort at Disney World said I was 210 lbs. I have a feeling my doctor's scale would agree with the spa scale. I reported that I was 206.1 lbs. to Weight Watcher's, though. If I get weighed when I go to the doctor (even when it's not the day for me weigh-in), I'll list that, too. With the sudden weight loss according to the website, I lost one daily point. This brings my daily points to 31 instead of 32. For a whole day after I changed my loss goal from 10 lbs. (must have been a type) to 80 lbs., I didn't get any points added. I'm not complaining (maybe just a little).

Yesterday, we have bulgogi and rice with blackberry wine and kimchi. It was delicious and surprisingly not that indulging. The mini-muffin I had gave me more points than the rice did! I'll admit I had a munchies moment and ate 3 sausage patties with brown rice for lunch.... I just wanted to get rid of them so they didn't stare me in the face every time I look in the freezer. Shame on me.

Me posing with some vanilla ice-cream at
Tokyo Dining at Epcot. (Jan. 2012)

Those things aside, we're doing pretty well. We bought a bunch of frozen and fresh veggies and fruits. We also got a few of the Weight Watchers brand frozen meals and anytime snacks to try. Jake has noticed that some of the frozen meals are good but not completely satisfying. Also, we've learned that other brands that advertise lean frozen meals come out to about the same point values as the WW meals. This is good because knowing there is a variety out there is much more of an incentive to stick with the plan.

Jake and I have resolved to eat cuties and carrots instead of muffins (not that I eat them often at all) or rice and hot-dogs (which I eat very often). This way, we'll be helping our bodies fight off urges to eat more than we need to between meals. It will also help us to transition into eating smaller portions at meal times.

I have had several friends tell me that it's all about protein and portions. A friend I had in college was doing WW meetings freshman year. She always made it a goal for herself to not eat anything after 8pm and to only drink flavored water instead. She told me that it is so hard to get into the diet at first but that once you have trained yourself to eat smaller portions and to keep yourself accountable, it's easy.

That's really all it's about. Eating smaller portions and making hearty foods that are healthy.

Another example, we had PF Chang's on Saturday night. We opted for gluten-free because it usually contains less carbs = less points (confirmed by nutritional facts on their website). Jake had beef and broccoli, and I had chicken fried rice. What we forgot when looking at the points? Each entree is the equivalent of 3-4 servings. So, Jake had actually eaten 2 servings of beef and broccoli for 9 points (not counting the rice = 5 points per serving), and I ate 2 servings of chicken fried rice for 16 points. Not a huge binge for either of us, but it was a real eye-opener. Should we have put one serving on our plate, it would be a snack. There would be less than a cup of actual food on the plate at all.

Discovery! The chicken, rice and green bean dinner I made the other night fills an entire dinner plate and boasts 7-10 points depending on how much rice you eat. That's a huge difference in the amount of food one can eat.

Part of the reason is that WW programs in power foods. They are filling, nutritious alternatives to the things we usually love to eat. Chicken instead of pork or beef. Lettuce and kimchi are also considered power foods (yes, kimchi is in their database, as well).

To all my friends who are or will be starting WW, good luck on finding those foods you love that don't break your PointsPlus bank (or your wallet).

Weight Watchers: Week 1 - Days 1 and 2

Two days ago I asked friends on Facebook if they had experience with Weight Watchers and other diet plans. My goal for the next two years is to lose until I'm near 130 lbs. I have just been obese and unhappy about it for far too long. It's time to look and feel the way I did when I was a senior in high school headed for college. I was a size 10, not a 16-18. I could find clothing almost everywhere I went and fit into the things that I really wanted to wear (things that they don't make for women my size).

I don't want to huff and puff up stairs or not be able to tie my shoes right. I don't want to have this stomach that prevents me from cutting my toenails unless I'm sitting a special way. I don't want to feel sensitive about my tummy stretchmarks in a bathing suit on the beach.

Therefore, as of two days, I have subscribed to Weight Watchers Online with my husband. We've been faithfully tracking points since yesterday. I know that doesn't seem like a long time to be so "faithful," but we've really noticed a huge difference in the way we approach eating throughout the day. To be fair, Jake didn't realize I joined until he came from work at 7pm, so he had fast food for lunch (which knocked the socks off his daily point allowance). I only went 4 points over mine.

Throughout the day, I really start to consider the things I'm eating. For instance, when I eat ramen, I eat the whole ramen, soup and all. I also put in about a cup or more of rice into the soup and add in a hotdog. For those of you who need the math:

• 1 whole ramen is two servings: 10 points
• 1 cup of rice: 5 points
• 1 hotdog: 5 points (or more depending on the dog you choose)

My daily points allowance is 32, so in that one meal I would have eaten over half and almost all of my points for the day! That would mean eating a lunch and dinner of 12 points combined! I would have to eat salad with a non-creamy dressing and other fruits and veggies to stay at my points goal. This is why I only ate the whole ramen yesterday morning instead of adding in the extras I usually do.

I was also surprised to see that most fruits and veggies yield 0 points! This means I can eat all the fruits and veggies I want, for the most part, without having to worry about dumping my points for the day. This made me really happy last night when I went a little overboard with butter when I cooked chicken last night. I happily scooped almost a whole can's worth of green beans on my plate next to a cup of rice and 1 boneless, skinless chicken breast.

I'll be checking in at least once a week on my Weight Watchers journey so that you can hear about my progress. I'll post pictures at milestones, as well. If you're doing weight watchers and want a buddy, my name is synformis, and my husband's is anguisinherba. Look us up and we'll lose weight together!

My husband and I at our engagement photo shoot last March.

Note: If anyone is thinking about joining, they are running a special now where you pay for 3 months up front  ($55) and they waive the start-up fee ($30). After that, it's about $20 a month. All amounts I just listed are estimations. I can't remember the exact amounts so I rounded up.

Where we go from here

This might be the last in the string of posts about my dear "little brother," Jaleel John-Baptiste. Since my last post, we have been to the funeral and wake, spent time with friends, and had a high school memorial and balloon release for him. Instead of writing a long post, I have included photos and video of the past week in case others were unable to attend.

After the funeral.

All of the kids came to the high school to enjoy each other
and Jaleel's music. They were smiling and chatting, writing
down memories of Jaleel on pieces of paper on the stage.
It was so nice to see them enjoying themselves.

Grabbing balloons.

My sister released a balloon for Connor and herself.

One of the girls had this shirt on. I think it's
from the last day of school when all the kids'
wore white for Jaleel.

Walking to the back courtyard to release the balloons.

They were really beautiful to watch.

A lot of people shouted out the different things that they
saw the balloons making in the sky, like a J for Jaleel.

Faintly in the mid-right you can see the two balloons that
Harry and J released for Jaleel. The first two released.

We all lingered for a while watching the balloons hover in the
sky. Before a while, we had to go inside because there were
snowball fights starting.

Cyndi commented that she couldn't look up too
much because it hurt her Asian eyes. The sky
was a very bright blue and the weather was good.

The kids all Tebow'd for Jaleel.

David made a cross for Jaleel to put at the high school. They
will leave it up until they can make a stone of something nice
to sit there as a reminder for the students to live life in honor
of Jaleel and his outstanding memory.

I hope you enjoyed these images. There are more on Jaleel's page. It has been a trying holiday for us this year, and we are, I think, getting back to the happiness and joy of the season. This year more than most, we have been seeing the real spirit of Christmas in each other. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful. The prayers and thoughts were abundant. We have been together almost every day since the beginning of December, and it has really warmed my heart. We have all become very close and made unbelievably kind, new friends.

Without everyone's consistent support, we may not have been able to come out of this with such strong and fond memories. I have been blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I have a husband who loves me and supports me. I have a family who laughs and jokes with me. I have friends who are amazing, even after time catches up with us.

I guess the three most important messages of the season are to wear a seat belt, become a donor, and to have a blessed and Merry Christmas.

The worst is over.

The Lord Almighty grant us a quiet night and peace at the last. It is good to give thanks to the Lord. To sing Praise to Your name oh most high.To herald your love in the morning, your truth at the close of the day.
--Compline


I think that we too often forget the other person when we make posts online. Most of the time, we don't take things to heart. I've learned in the past few hours that some people really take things to heart, straight into the depths of their soul.

Jaleel John-Baptiste passed away around 3 pm today according to my family, all of whom were present. I had my phone off because I was taking a chemistry lecture final. Earlier in the day, around noon, my sister called me and said that he would probably pass in the next few hours and that I could say goodbye if I wanted. So, she took the phone into the room and sat it next to his ear. I really didn't know what to say except that I loved him and missed him, and I told him I was glad that he wasn't suffering or in any pain.


After I was done with that first final, I saw a call from my mom. My sister answered and told me that he passed at 3pm. It was hard for me to keep it together, but I knew I had one final left and that I had to pull through. This was until I received a very nasty message on Facebook from one of Jaleel's friends. It was incredibly hateful, and it sent me into a fit of crying. I didn't know whether to answer him and defend myself or to just cry and forget about it. I copied and sent it to my sister, who read it to my mother. (Note: Do not upset my Korean mother. She will most likely kill you.) It has all be taken care of, and the kid apologized. My sister called and got it all straightened out (after telling everyone that didn't necessarily need to know).


To be honest, I didn't want an apology. I knew he was just upset. He needed someone to lash out on, and I can accept that. I can be the person they want to blame for whatever reason even though I had nothing to do with any of it aside from praying for my friend.


The other hateful words said about me were also taken down, and I unfriended the kid (he had friended me just to send the hate message).


As I called my parents to let them know I did well on my finals, the phone was passed to every person at the house in the room, comforting me and giving ME condolences like Jaleel was my blood, like I needed it more than they did. His grandparents said that they were making sure I wasn't getting hurt or battered for anything I said and that the kid understood that it wasn't right to lash out and say the things he said to me when I had just found out that my friend has passed.


These kids posting and saying that I'm a bitch or mentally retarded, that I don't have the right, that I should take my photos of him down... They don't see it the way I do. They don't understand how I feel or my relationship with him. They don't know and they don't care. It doesn't even matter. 


If i have to be a martyr for those kids, fine. I will be. They can send me all the hate and anger they feel. They can send me nasty glares at the funeral. I don't really care. 


We all deal with things differently, and if they need someone to hate for a while, it may as well be me.


It isn't right, but there isn't much I can do to make it stop or change their minds. They have to do it for themselves on their own time.


After a while when the dust settles, I think that they'll all learn a lesson from Jaleel. I bet that they will each think twice about speeding, about not wearing a seat belt. They'll think twice about a lot of decisions they will have to make, and they'll be all the better for it.


This has been a huge affirmation to me that I should never think twice about wearing that seat belt, even if I'm only driving down the block or just moving my car into another spot. It has even made me think twice about getting angry at slow drivers and those cars that think the whole road is theirs and that everyone has to yield to them.


My hope and wish is that everyone wears a seat belt every time they get into a car.


RIP Jaleel John-Baptiste

I'm an idiot.

Today, I had the awesome fortune of being called a bitch and mentally retarded. I take offense to just one of those terms today.

1. I was called a bitch for a good reason, and I take responsibility for it.
2. I was called mentally retarded concerning a situation where my friend in the hospital could wake up and have extensive brain damage to the point of mental retardation.

So I suppose we need to know the situation. Right?

The car Jaleel was driving.

I was trolling Facebook to avoid working on the take-home portion of my biology final when I stumbled upon a photo of the car Jaleel was driving. However, at the time, I had been led to believe that the other boy in the car had been driving and that Jaleel was the passenger. I posted a reply with that boy's name and how the two boys were both responsible for the accident and the consequences. They both made decisions to wear or not to wear a seat belt. They both decided it was okay to let the driver speed to catch up to their friend in the car in front of them.

What I didn't know was that Jaleel had been the driver. The police report says that he was ejected from the driver's seat and that there is no way he could have been the passenger.

Anyway, after they set the record straight, I apologized to the boy and everyone who had been following the post for saying that, explaining the misunderstanding and where it had come from.

The real source of my anger lies in the fact that people were writing comments about how no one is to blame and that it was a mistake, a freak accident. It absolutely was NOT a freak accident. Both both made conscious decisions to wear and not to wear seatbelts. One did and the other didn't. The driver, Jaleel, who didn't wear a seat belt, was ejected through the front windshield and is in a coma. The passenger was wearing a seat belt and walked away from the hospital with bruises, scrapes, and a concussion. Jaleel was the driver and was responsible for both of their lives. The passenger should have insisted on Jaleel's seat belt being worn and that he should not speed. Jaleel put both their lives in danger, and now, he's paying the ultimate price for it.

A lot of these words are hypothetical. It's all circumstantial. I honestly know in my heart that no car rolls three times because they were driving the speed limit (35), even if something darts in front of your car and surprises you. You can swerve and miss it (or even hit it) and still just end up doing a donut or flip your car or in the dutch. You wouldn't be rolling 3 times.

Jaleel could be breathing on his own, recovering from a few bruises and the whopping his grandfather would have given him when he found out that Jaleel wrecked a car. He would be present at Christmas dinner, laughing with us and playing video games. He would be having a birthday party on Wednesday with his friends. He would be going fishing over the summer and hunting next fall. He'd graduate from high school and join the air force. He'd get to live out his entire life.

He may never have those opportunities now because he got behind the wheel of a car without wearing a seat belt. He drove that car recklessly and endangered his life and his friend's life.

I am so angry at Jaleel. I am so upset that this happened. I want him to survive and be alive. I want him to live so that I can scare the shit out of him when he wakes up.

Jaleel and I hugging after my wedding ceremony in June.

This was all a sober reminder to me why I make every person in my car wear a seat belt before I start the engine. This is why I choose to not drive more than 5mph over the speed limit, if that, when I'm behind the wheel.

I truly hope that you do, too.

God bless.

Rick Perry: NEVER Going To Be President

I'm sure a lot of you have seen the Rick Perry campaign ad that called out President Obama for "making war with religion." From what I have seen on youtube, Twitter, and Facebook, a lot of people agree that he went too far with his ad. If you haven't seen the ad, watch it now.



I have been thinking a lot about this ad since seeing it. In fact, I think more about it because I didn't bother watching it until I saw that almost half of my Facebook friends had seen it, re-posted it, and written a comment about how terrible Rick Perry and his ad are. In fact, this ad may be the end of Perry's campaign because of how unpopular this ad has made him. So unpopular that news agencies released stories today about this video surpassing the "Friday" video by Rebecca Black. In fact, this really isn't the first time he has contended with Obama about religion in the United States. Here are some headlines:

• Rick Perry complains about gays serving in military
• Rick Perry launches attack on Barack Obama over gay rights and religion
• US Election 2012: Rick Perry attacks Barack Obama's attempts to boost gay rights
• Log Cabin Republicans rip Rick Perry ad
• Rick Perry Says Human Rights for Gays 'Not in America's Interests'
• Rick Perry's 'Strong' Campaign Ad Gets the Web Angry -- and Laughing
• Why Rick Perry's New Ads Are Wrong on Religion - And Obama
• Rick Perry's 'Strong' Ad Surpasses Rebecca Black's 'Friday' With More Dislikes On YouTube (Videos) [Update]

I know, now you've got to do all this reading! What I wanted to get out there is that I don't agree with Rick Perry, and I don't think he'll become president. Let's start with not agreeing.

While gay rights may not be on everyone's radar (surprisingly), it is a huge issue to consider during this 2012 Presidential Election. There is no way a candidate can survive this election without making at least one statement about gay rights or gay marriage at some point. If it doesn't come up along the campaign trail, it will certainly come up during the presidential debates. After the enormous popularity (or should I say unpopularity) of his 'Strong' campaign ad, I'd say he may have said the wrong thing. To me, it has nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't gay marriage or that he doesn't see fighting for gay rights as a priority for the US. My problem comes from the fact that he uses this ad, in a way, to brush gay rights under the rug, dismissing it as if it were never a real problem.

This is why I don't think Rick Perry will be our next president. The issue here is not religion in schools or in the workplace or anywhere. The issue here is gay marriage and gay rights. I think that President Obama did a great thing in working so hard on repealing DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). I think that he's been a huge help to many states lobbying for gay marriage. With America where it is today, I don't think that someone with such a negative opinion of gay rights will become president. Forget about Occupy protesters. We'll have a bigger problem on our hands.

I think that the candidate who can express their opinions without belittling entire populations of voters that vote will end up winning. The reality is that, in the last election, Obama got a country filled with young people to vote. These young voters are still voting, and they will definitely vote in this next election. The winner of the next election, I think, will be the person who can persuade the young people that their position is right. That they can lead this country with an open mind to the problems that Americans face. Gay marriage is definitely one of these issues that the next president will have to continue to address.

Again, I don't think Rick Perry's blatant anti-gay rights platform will win over the hearts of younger voters.