For several months now, I've been thinking about how I was raised versus how my husband was raised. They say that people with similar backgrounds usually end up coming together and getting married because they can compliment each other better than people with very different backgrounds. They also say that opposites attract. I think that the two of us are a great pair that complement each other. We have a lot of similar thoughts and convictions, but we also have very different ones, as well.
The greatest example of this is a simple matter of choice. I am pro-choice. My husband is pro-life. We talked before we were married about this issue and what we would do if the situation arose. We didn't really get that far in the conversation (aside from assuring each other that we'd be open and honest and not make any rash decisions without informing one another first).
Another of these is how we will discipline our children. I am for spanking, and he is against. I was raised getting spanked for all kinds of things but never for everything. I was talked to and given warnings. I had time-outs and was grounded from things. I'll admit: I was not an easy child to raise. My husband grew up in a family where there was no spanking because one of his parents was spanked often as a child. Instead, his family deals with things as passively as possible, never directly confronting anyone about anything. They were appeased and allowed to do what they pleased and never really got into heaps of trouble (like my sister and I often did). We both turned out fine, I think... I just notice that my parents were disciplined for the most part in raising my sister and I, and his parents took a very cautious approach in making sure he was happy and carefree most of the time.
No Asian guilt in his white, Midwestern family. (Not that I'm guilty of anything).
Let's fast forward to right now...
We recently spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family in Nebraska. We stayed at his parents' house and got to spend a lot of time with our nephew (he's 3). Over the course of getting to know the family, I have really bonded with the little guy. I've watched him slowly progress from being in diapers as a baby to speaking and playing as a toddler. He's already working on potty training! It's so neat to be able to watch him grow and learn and become more and more mature and capable. I really cherish the moments I get to spend with him and teach him things (mostly good things).
The biggest downside of visiting and seeing my nephew is the drama that surrounds him...
For a few months now, my brother and sister-in-law have been trying to get him to ditch his bink. I support it. I should be choosing sides, but I already did months ago, so it's a little late now. He's old enough to talk and understand what you're saying and what he's saying. He knows when he's being told he can't do something and when to stop doing it (whether he does so or not). The battle has two fronts: baby and grandma. Convincing the little tike to give up the bink is a difficult task in itself. However, if the bink disappears one day and he doesn't see it for a while, he'll learn to cope without it and probably not ask for it very often over time. For a short time, this was the case. He didn't ask for the pacifier and didn't need it to sleep. However, at some point he went to grandma's and had them again all of a sudden.
Despite most efforts, binks disappear to God-knows-where, and Grandma just keeps buying more. Every time he asks for one, he gets not one but TWO! If he throws a fit, he gets a pacifier. If he is cranky, he gets a pacifier. If he is sleepy and tired, he gets a pacifier. If he's a bit obstinate, he gets a pacifier.
Noticing a trend yet??
From my point of view, it's time to let go of the baby stuff. He's almost out of diapers. Kids in kindergarten do not have bottles or binks (this is another problem for another time). He already doesn't pronounce certain letters that are difficult. Imagine trying to get him to make them with a pacifier in his mouth! Letters like J and R fall short when you've got something taking up 2/3 of your mouth. I worry about this a little because my husband had trouble with his Rs when he was little and had to have someone coach him into pronouncing them correctly. He had a bottle and a pacifier until he was 5 or 6 according to his mother...
Again.... Noticing a trend??
Whatever the reason is: grandma not being able to handle standing up to a 3 year old and setting him straight or her worrying he'll start putting other things in his mouth if he doesn't have a pacifier, it's time for the pacifier to say bye-bye and never come back. It is causing too much anxiety and worry for Mom and Dad and is not necessarily all that beneficial to our growing nephew.
Some of my worries in thinking about having a child in the near future have been centered around what my parents might do that I might not approve of or want for our child. I worry about what his parents will do to my child. I worry that I'll raise my baby to not know what candy and soda is and to not care for pacifiers or fingers only to have grandparents thwart all of our work and progress every time they visit.
Closing thought for the day: Let Mom and Dad be the parents and take a back seat, Grandparents. It's not your place.
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