I can't say that I ever rocked finals (unless they were in French). I remember stressing about each and every final. I just didn't know if what I was feeling was right. I didn't know how to study or what to study. I didn't feel like asking for help from anyone either. I just didn't have the thought. Even if I ever did, I just couldn't imagine asking anyone for that... admitting that I needed someone else to coach me through it. After several semesters, I never got the hang of it. It just got worse and worse to a point where studying just made me feel so anxious. I never felt like I could ever get ahead. On top of all of that, I had the stress of working and trying to earn money to live off of campus.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I made a big mistake in working so much during my first undergrad. I wanted so much to be independent and not rely on my parents. I just felt guilty all the time. I mean, at first it wasn't so bad. I worked a few hours and had some savings. Then, I blew through that and had to ask for gas money and oil change money. Then, I started working more, even taking two part-time jobs in the summer. During the school year, I felt like I was even more poor despite scraping together money from my summer jobs. Nothing really seemed to make ends meet. I hated that feeling of now knowing how to pay my bills, about looming educational debt, and what in HELL I was going to do with my life. I just started putting work over my education, and my education definitely suffered.
I just didn't know where I was going and what I was going to do.
Now that I'm back in school, something has just clicked. I just feel so confident. I am doing really well, and I study a lot. I have a lot of motivation to stay up late and to work hard.
I have a lot of guilt, justified or not, for not doing well in my undergrad. I mean, I still graduated, but I don't feel proud of myself. I don't feel like I gave a good impression of myself to my professors. I felt like I just became jaded at some point. I didn't know what to do. I think I just balled up my anxiety, and I must have been depressed or something at some point. I just couldn't do anything. It was so bad it took me two hours to read one paragraph. Forget writing papers because I couldn't get past the introductory paragraph.
I just have so much time now (from not working) to study. I can still do some relaxing and enjoy myself a little and not feel guilty about it. I get all of my work done, if not in advance!
Going into finals this year, I just feel like I'm in a good place. I feel confident about having time to study. I feel good about what I've learned. I've even already been preparing for my finals by reading back in my textbooks and practicing old material we learned in the beginning of the semester. A lot of things are clicking for me. I just feel good. I feel anxiety about doing well, but it's not overbearing. I feel like I can get through it and that I will do well.
Something has changed. I don't know exactly what, but I'm so glad that I've overcome the stress of finals.
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