The worst is over.

The Lord Almighty grant us a quiet night and peace at the last. It is good to give thanks to the Lord. To sing Praise to Your name oh most high.To herald your love in the morning, your truth at the close of the day.
--Compline


I think that we too often forget the other person when we make posts online. Most of the time, we don't take things to heart. I've learned in the past few hours that some people really take things to heart, straight into the depths of their soul.

Jaleel John-Baptiste passed away around 3 pm today according to my family, all of whom were present. I had my phone off because I was taking a chemistry lecture final. Earlier in the day, around noon, my sister called me and said that he would probably pass in the next few hours and that I could say goodbye if I wanted. So, she took the phone into the room and sat it next to his ear. I really didn't know what to say except that I loved him and missed him, and I told him I was glad that he wasn't suffering or in any pain.


After I was done with that first final, I saw a call from my mom. My sister answered and told me that he passed at 3pm. It was hard for me to keep it together, but I knew I had one final left and that I had to pull through. This was until I received a very nasty message on Facebook from one of Jaleel's friends. It was incredibly hateful, and it sent me into a fit of crying. I didn't know whether to answer him and defend myself or to just cry and forget about it. I copied and sent it to my sister, who read it to my mother. (Note: Do not upset my Korean mother. She will most likely kill you.) It has all be taken care of, and the kid apologized. My sister called and got it all straightened out (after telling everyone that didn't necessarily need to know).


To be honest, I didn't want an apology. I knew he was just upset. He needed someone to lash out on, and I can accept that. I can be the person they want to blame for whatever reason even though I had nothing to do with any of it aside from praying for my friend.


The other hateful words said about me were also taken down, and I unfriended the kid (he had friended me just to send the hate message).


As I called my parents to let them know I did well on my finals, the phone was passed to every person at the house in the room, comforting me and giving ME condolences like Jaleel was my blood, like I needed it more than they did. His grandparents said that they were making sure I wasn't getting hurt or battered for anything I said and that the kid understood that it wasn't right to lash out and say the things he said to me when I had just found out that my friend has passed.


These kids posting and saying that I'm a bitch or mentally retarded, that I don't have the right, that I should take my photos of him down... They don't see it the way I do. They don't understand how I feel or my relationship with him. They don't know and they don't care. It doesn't even matter. 


If i have to be a martyr for those kids, fine. I will be. They can send me all the hate and anger they feel. They can send me nasty glares at the funeral. I don't really care. 


We all deal with things differently, and if they need someone to hate for a while, it may as well be me.


It isn't right, but there isn't much I can do to make it stop or change their minds. They have to do it for themselves on their own time.


After a while when the dust settles, I think that they'll all learn a lesson from Jaleel. I bet that they will each think twice about speeding, about not wearing a seat belt. They'll think twice about a lot of decisions they will have to make, and they'll be all the better for it.


This has been a huge affirmation to me that I should never think twice about wearing that seat belt, even if I'm only driving down the block or just moving my car into another spot. It has even made me think twice about getting angry at slow drivers and those cars that think the whole road is theirs and that everyone has to yield to them.


My hope and wish is that everyone wears a seat belt every time they get into a car.


RIP Jaleel John-Baptiste

Finals Stress... Conquered (Mostly)!

I can't say that I ever rocked finals (unless they were in French). I remember stressing about each and every final. I just didn't know if what I was feeling was right. I didn't know how to study or what to study. I didn't feel like asking for help from anyone either. I just didn't have the thought. Even if I ever did, I just couldn't imagine asking anyone for that... admitting that I needed someone else to coach me through it. After several semesters, I never got the hang of it. It just got worse and worse to a point where studying just made me feel so anxious. I never felt like I could ever get ahead. On top of all of that, I had the stress of working and trying to earn money to live off of campus.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I made a big mistake in working so much during my first undergrad. I wanted so much to be independent and not rely on my parents. I just felt guilty all the time. I mean, at first it wasn't so bad. I worked a few hours and had some savings. Then, I blew through that and had to ask for gas money and oil change money. Then, I started working more, even taking two part-time jobs in the summer. During the school year, I felt like I was even more poor despite scraping together money from my summer jobs. Nothing really seemed to make ends meet. I hated that feeling of now knowing how to pay my bills, about looming educational debt, and what in HELL I was going to do with my life. I just started putting work over my education, and my education definitely suffered.

I just didn't know where I was going and what I was going to do.

Now that I'm back in school, something has just clicked. I just feel so confident. I am doing really well, and I study a lot. I have a lot of motivation to stay up late and to work hard.

I have a lot of guilt, justified or not, for not doing well in my undergrad. I mean, I still graduated, but I don't feel proud of myself. I don't feel like I gave a good impression of myself to my professors. I felt like I just became jaded at some point. I didn't know what to do. I think I just balled up my anxiety, and I must have been depressed or something at some point. I just couldn't do anything. It was so bad it took me two hours to read one paragraph. Forget writing papers because I couldn't get past the introductory paragraph.

I just have so much time now (from not working) to study. I can still do some relaxing and enjoy myself a little and not feel guilty about it. I get all of my work done, if not in advance!

Going into finals this year, I just feel like I'm in a good place. I feel confident about having time to study. I feel good about what I've learned. I've even already been preparing for my finals by reading back in my textbooks and practicing old material we learned in the beginning of the semester. A lot of things are clicking for me. I just feel good. I feel anxiety about doing well, but it's not overbearing. I feel like I can get through it and that I will do well.

Something has changed. I don't know exactly what, but I'm so glad that I've overcome the stress of finals.